Living on the Banks... and in the Moment

by Catarina Girardi ’20

Before I even took my first freshman class at Rutgers, I sometimes found myself daydreaming about what my last year of college would look like. While being welcomed to Rutgers as a freshman at convocation, I stared at the stadium turf and imagined how I would feel standing out there in my cap and gown after four years of hard work. I brought myself back to the present, which was September 2016, and promised myself to do my best to live in the moment during my four years of college. Now I can happily say that I did just that — I treasured every moment and will continue to look back on my memories from college, especially the ones from my senior year, as the best ones I’ve ever made.

Cat during her freshman year.

In what now feels like a blink of an eye, a few years flew by and it was suddenly September 2019. I stood beside my teammates in the tunnel of the football stadium as we waited for the first game of the season to begin. There’s a special kind of silence that comes in moments like that one. Without saying anything, we realized that we wanted nothing more than to cherish this time together, because it was just our first of many lasts. The sound of the cannon going off broke that silence, and we knew it was finally time to run onto the field. I took a deep breath, snapped a mental picture — making sure there was no red lipstick on my teeth — and felt my senior year begin as I ran onto the field.

Rutgers football vs. Ohio State, Nov. 16, 2019 — last home game.

Through the season, I cherished every moment, from each note that the band played, to every “let’s go dance team” that the student section chanted, and especially to every inside joke that my teammates and I shared during those games. With my parents — who drove to New Jersey from Rhode Island for almost every home game — watching in the stands at the last home game, I went on that turf for the last time dancing alongside my teammates on senior day.

I have come to realize that I was part of something so much bigger than myself; my teammates and I got to dance at the birthplace of college football and carry on the traditions of a university filled with so much history. I feel so fortunate to have spent so much time on the field in that stadium, because most people in my graduating class only stood there for the first time during our commencement. 

As a member of the competition team, I spent the end of every fall semester focused on preparing for nationals and sacrificed winter breaks to practice every day leading up to the competition weekend in Orlando. My last competition season looked a lot different than I expected it would, though, because an injury that I had been trying to push through stopped me from being a part of the team in the way that I was used to. I was able to put things into perspective with the help of my older sister, Dominique, who was actually the person who encouraged me to apply to Rutgers and try out for the team. She reminded me that I was able to dance on that stage in 5 competitions on both the national and international levels, and that the way my journey ended didn’t take away from the experiences I had. I accepted that I couldn’t be the dancer that my team needed for the nationals floor and allowed myself to enjoy the journey and traditions that my coaches and teammates share.

Two people who always kept me inspired and motivated during the process of preparing for nationals are Caitlin Sullivan and Courtney Sullivan. They served as co-captains during our senior year and recently helped me look back on our last nationals together to recall the moments that stood out to us the most. Caitlin expressed exactly what I was thinking during our conversation when she said, “When I look back on our Rutgers dance team experience, I don't really think about the medals we won or our first place finish, I always think about the friendships and traditions that we made within our team.” Our tradition of standing in a circle and singing The Climb by Miley Cyrus in one of the stairwells in the arena before going backstage was unanimously our favorite memory. We sing that song together as a team throughout the competition season and feel the same emotions every time we do so, but the words of the song impacted us even more during our last time standing in that stairwell. Courtney described it as, “our full circle moment when we could reflect on our season.” She pointed out the line of the song “I may not know it but these are the moments that I'm going to remember most” as the most powerful. We weren’t just singing a song, we truly meant every word we sang. Our eyes filled with tears and our voices started to crack as we sang those lyrics for the last time.

After leaving the stairwell, I was faced with the reality that my last time ever dancing on a stage had passed, and I could accept that knowing that I truly lived in those moments, both leading up to it and during it. As I watched my teammates warm up after helping them zip up their costumes and touch up their makeup, I promised myself that from now on I will always dance as if I’ll never be able to dance again. I held back tears while wishing my teammates good luck backstage. I let those tears roll down my face as I watched them perform, feeling nothing but pride. And, even though I didn’t get to finish the season in the way that I’d hoped, I can now proudly say that I made it through multiple Disney parks in a walking boot with a stress fracture!

I got back into uniform after a few weeks of resting just in time to finish out my favorite season — basketball. Nothing I’ve ever experienced compares to the energy inside the RAC during a sold out game. Dancing in front of thousands of fans in one of the loudest and most exciting college basketball arenas is an opportunity that I came to appreciate (even more now that the fate of next year’s sporting events is at risk due to COVID-19). Senior night was the perfect way to celebrate our time at Rutgers. Two of my favorite moments from that game include finally doing a timeout routine to a Hollaback Girl mix (something I’ve dreamed about since joining the team) and storming the court after the basketball team’s biggest win of the season against highly ranked Maryland.

Fans rushing the court after the Rutgers Men’s Basketball Team not only defeated ranked University of Maryland, but also broke multiple school records.

After a successful Senior night with my friends and family, I got a couple hours of sleep, packed up my suitcase, and made my way back to the RAC the next morning to get ready for a trip to Indiana. My last Rutgers dance team experience was traveling to Indianapolis with a few of my teammates, cheerleaders, and members of the band to support the women’s basketball team in the Big Ten Women’s Basketball Tournament. We got to bring Jersey Pride to another state, cheer on our team in a different arena, and explore a new city together with our coach/tour guide, Mike. After the last Rutgers game — even though nothing was officially canceled yet — I had a gut feeling and knew that it was the last time I would hear the band play and that our season was coming to a close. I stood beside one of my best friends, Alexa, and let out a few happy tears.

We flew back to New Jersey on March 7th, and it felt like the whole world changed within the next few days.

I found out the rest of senior year was officially canceled on March 17th, ten days after returning from that trip to Indiana. As soon as we had to leave campus and be apart, my team came together in a new way. We were able to do this so seamlessly because our head coach, Christine Zoffinger, put her all into making sure we stayed connected throughout the end of the year. She admitted that, “trying to make everything as normal as possible was a lot more difficult than I anticipated it would be.” What I loved so much, though, was our “new normal” and the special moments that we shared at the end of the year that we wouldn’t have had if we were still at school. Our season usually slows down at the end of March, after basketball season ends as we prepare for tryouts, but we stayed active and united this year until the very end. Thanks to technology, I still talked to and worked out with my teammates every day and even got to attend my last awards banquet while in quarantine in my family’s home a few states away from Rutgers.

On May 17th, two months after commencement was canceled, instead of standing on the stadium turf in my cap and gown, I cleaned out my house on College Ave and drove back to Rhode Island with my parents. After packing up the moving van and getting on the Garden State Parkway, I put my headphones in and opened Spotify to listen to the playlist that I prepared for that very moment; it was entitled “driving home from Rutgers.” It was a heart-wrenching mix that included Fleetwood Mac, Lorde, Billy Porter, Taylor Swift, and Barbra Streisand, just to name a few. I let myself be a little overly dramatic for a few hours as I said goodbye to the place that felt like home.

Looking back on my years at Rutgers made me realize that I spent a lot of time and effort planning for what was coming next. However, life really is what happens when you’re busy making other plans. I had to accept that my senior year was something that I could have never planned. During my last year of college, I was able to find a balance between looking inward and looking ahead, between planning for the next moment and appreciating the one that I was living through. My coach Christine helped me understand the value in cherishing each part of any journey. “As a coach, some alumni come back to me and say, ‘I never realized how special being a part of a team was until after it was over,’ but I think your class was constantly recognizing it while you were immersed in it.” We truly believe that life is all about the climb, not just the final destination. I don’t think I would have been able to fully accept my senior year getting cut short if I hadn’t spent my time at Rutgers constantly appreciating the beauty in every moment. At first, it felt like the last pages of my story were ripped from the book. Now, I see this as a plot twist and an unexpected, perfectly imperfect ending to my Rutgers story.

Catarina Girardi, Class of 2020